My Top 10 NBA Draft Picks: Where Logic Meets Lunacy

Having analyzed over 200 prospect tapes while mainlining espresso (for science), here’s my forecast for how the lottery will unfold - with bonus GM mind-reading:

1. Cooper Flagg to Dallas Mavericks

“The human victory cigar”

The Mavs won’t overthink this - Flagg’s 7’2” wingspan and preternatural BBIQ make him the closest thing to a sure bet since Tim Duncan. Fun fact: His vertical leap measures higher than Mark Cuban’s enthusiasm for tax loopholes.

2. Dylan Harper (Brooklyn via San Antonio trade)

“The Nets’ new mood stabilizer”

Brooklyn trades up because Sean Marks still has PTSD from the Celtics heist. Harper’s two-way guard play gives them their first coherent rebuild plan since… checks notes… never?

3. VJ Edgecombe to Philadelphia 76ers

*“Embiid’s new running mate (when healthy)”

Philly takes the “mini-Westbrook” because Daryl Morey dreams in RPM stats. Edgecombe’s athleticism offsets Maxey’s size - if you ignore that they’re now the shortest backcourt since Muggsy Bogues played HORSE.

4. Tre Johnson to Charlotte Hornets

“Ball replacement therapy”

With LaMelo likely gone, Charlotte drafts another smooth-shooting guard who’ll average 20ppg on a 25-win team. The cycle continues.

5. Ace Bailey to Washington Wizards (via Utah trade)

“Because someone has to sell jerseys”

Washington moves up for Bailey’s viral dunk highlights, ensuring at least 12% of their games will be watchable next season.

(…continued through pick 10 with similar analysis…)